Downriver Dispatches

Silly Things People Say

This article is dedicated to the faithful readers of The Wahkiakum County Eagle who have a sense of humor; as for the rest I have no idea what to tell you. I am writing slowly because I understand some of you can’t read fast. All the isolation because of the virus has many people talking to themselves. I talk to myself all the time and some might find that a bit irritating; however, when I do talk to myself my conversations are really quite lively. The real but modest irritation for me is when I call myself and the phone is busy. Who could I be talking with? Why don’t I answer the phone? Do I have too much time on my hands?

Why do people use euphemisms like “Put that in your pipe and smoke it” instead of just telling you to think about it? This could be a critical problem for those who take euphemisms seriously, especially if they don’t have a pipe or they are not sure what they are supposed to be smoking.

I have my pizza cut into two slices instead of the usual eight because I can’t eat eight, I can only eat two.

We, as Americans say things that are perplexing to the average foreign tourist who speaks adequate English. We say a man has “lost his marbles,” and the tourist begins looking for them, if they know what marbles are.

When someone is considered crazy, one euphemism used is “His elevator doesn’t go to the top.” The inquisitive foreign tourist would suggest that it be fixed and is told that only a great psychiatrist could fix it. The puzzled look on the tourist's face would say it all unless he thought the psychiatrist moonlighted as an elevator repairman.

“He isn’t playing with a full deck,” some might say, but why would anyone play with less than a full deck? Is it a new game? Who knows the rules? What if you are playing pinochle?

One of my new favorites is, “He’s been microwaving with the door open.” At least someone understands that microwave technology cooks from the inside out.

Why don’t we get together and “shoot the breeze?” What did the breeze (wind) do that it deserves shooting and what do we shoot it with? Is it in season? Do you need a license to hunt breeze? If you do shoot it and it is only broken, would that mean that you just broke wind?

Another thing I do not quite understand was when my elementary teacher told me to keep my mouth shut when I was talking to her. The class laughed uncontrollably, and that only irritated the teacher more, especially as I was making muffled noises as I tried to mimic talking with my mouth shut. It’s just the silly things people say.

Westend News

Most everything is closed, but you can still shop at the Rosburg Store, Okie's Market in Naselle, and Johnson's One Stop. The restaurants in the area serve to go orders only. Call ahead to place your order.